I gotta get me one of these

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One response to “I gotta get me one of these”

1. 

   Will

   June 29, 2003

   Looks like the original link is broken, and I had a bear of a time finding a mirror. So, just in case here is the text:

   Pros
   Nuclear-grade Power, Stunning Accuracy, Sleek Design

   Cons
   None

   Full Review
   The truth is, I would marry my Teledyne Water Pik Family Oral Irrigator WP-30 if I could. That’s how much I love it. If I wasn’t already married, and if I was an Oral Irrigator, or if the Oral Irrigator was a person, and not married, and if it was a woman, or if I was a woman, and it was a man, I think we would get hitched.

   But I’m already married, believe it or not. Many people, after meeting my wife, express shock that she married me. But I don’t think it’s any of their business. She did marry me, and it’s her problem now, not theirs. I love my wife. My wife loves me. I love my Oral Irrigator. My wife does not. Indeed she despises it with great vehemence. I don’t blame her. How many times have I jumped from around a corner and blasted her in the face with a laser of water? Don’t think it doesn’t hurt either. Does a range of thirty feet with a sniper’s aim mean anything to you? “It hurts!” she cries. I’ve hit her in the eye before. That must have hurt, I admit. But that’s why I gave her a pair of Ektelon racquetball goggles.* I tell her, “Ektelon racquetball goggles don’t do any good unless you’re WEARING them.” But she refuses. They sit idly on her dresser. I can see them now.

   She does not care about the things I care about anymore. What stirs her fury more than the Oral Irrigator? I can’t think of anything. She says, “It spots the mirror! The furniture is soaked! It keeps you from getting a job!” True. That is true. All of it is true. How long has it been? Years. Many years since my last attempt at employment. We live in my parent’s basement. It is not a good situation. “But where can we go?” I ask her. “Your parents won’t have us!” My wife hates me, though sometimes she loves me. Sometimes I can get her to say it, in words. “I love you, Leon,” she will say as she wraps her husky arms around my neck like a python. But she squeezes so hard I often have to struggle and thrash for breath. What a woman!

   The thing about my Oral Irrigator is, I’ve fashioned a 25-foot hose extension with industrial tubing, meaning there’s nowhere in the basement I can’t get to with one of my water bullets.* Nowhere! It rides on my hip like a six-shooter. I let ants out of the ant farm for target practice. My mom calls me a “caged animal.” Sometimes during the day, when my wife and my father are off at work–they take the same bus–my mom will come down to see what the racket is and I will ambush her with the Oral Irrigator and drive her back up the stairs while she tries to fight off the water and keep her permanent dry with her small hands. It’s no use. There is no defense for the Oral Irrigator. Sun Tzu? With his crossbows? I don’t think so. A bullseye hangs on my wall and the paint is chipped all around it.

   This isn’t your average Oral Irrigator, I admit. Not all of them are this powerful. I’ve made improvements to the motor, tweaked a valve or two, etc. It’s more or less a Turbo Irrigator, with an engine that purrs, and a razor’s accuracy, and, by now, far too strong to be used for dental purposes. I mean I’ve tried, but it isn’t pleasant. It’s like putting a miniature jackhammer in your mouth. It knocks you back against the wall and makes your head vibrate in a way that isn’t good for your neck.

   Speaking of which, with all due respect, there is another Epinions.com review of the Oral Irrigator that I find to be alarmingly misleading. I won’t name names (Wildkimmerz), but this gentleman has suggested that the Oral Irrigator can not only be used to improve dental hygiene but to remove ear wax. Believe me when I say there is almost no function for which I have not attempted to use the Oral Irrigator. I’ve used it for bathing. I’ve used it to wash the car. I’ve used it to water the lawn. I’ve used it to mow the lawn. I’ve used it to hunt small game such as squirrel and lizard. And I’ve used it to remove ear wax. What happened when I used it to remove ear wax? Water went blasting and screaming down my ear canal and straight into my brain. Let me repeat that: water went blasting and screaming down my ear canal and straight into my BRAIN! Does anyone know what it feels like to have water in your brain? Your brain is not meant to have water in it. It is not designed in this way. People joke about it. They say, “Oh, I must have water in my brain,” like after swimming or showering. But these people are stupid and wouldn’t joke about it if they’d ever actually had water in their brain. It is very painful. Both short and long term memory is affected. Speech is slurred. Nothing smells right. Many parts of the body go numb. Your whole life feels like you’re in a small skiff in rough seas. You fall down a lot. Furthermore, how does the water leave your brain? Evaporation? Hard sneezing? Nobody seems to know. My doctor doesn’t know. My lawyer doesn’t know. Teledyne doesn’t know. Personally, I don’t think it ever leaves. I think it’s trapped. I can feel it sloshing around!

   My wife, with her husky python arms and low center of gravity, thinks this is all very funny. “I’m glad I can be of entertainment,” I tell her as I slam my head against the wall to try and dislodge the liquid. She is so ungrateful. She has no respect. Still, I love her. I love her a lot. And I love my Oral Irrigator. There is room enough in my heart for both.*

   —
   *Visit Leon’s review of his Ektelon racquetball goggles in the Sports and Fitness section of Epinions.com.
   *Leon’s Oral Irrigator hose extension and water storage expansion unit with shoulder straps are not available in stores.
   *Incidentally, what Leon does recommend for removing ear wax is a small turkey baster filled with lukewarm water.

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